


long black nights, morning frost

by MadokaFan1234



Series: The Mountain Goats Trilogy [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, TW: Panic Attacks, also i am not sorry about the title, but only one of them realizes it, especially with iron douche, ironstrange is my life now, it's kinda slowburn???, more like they're already in love, stephen strange is a mess and i love him, stephen strange is scared to fall in love, time-travel stuff, tony is also lowkey falling in love with strange during this, which causes a minor existential crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-03 20:55:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14577471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadokaFan1234/pseuds/MadokaFan1234
Summary: Stephen Strange finally discovers a successful outcome in the midst of danger. However, he didn't expect to fall in love with Tony by the end of it.





	1. some things you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel

**Author's Note:**

> holy shit infinity war has ruined my life lmao but on the brightside ironstrange is otp now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some thing you do just to see how bad they'll make you feel.  
> Sometimes you try to freeze time 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels." 
> 
> As Strange meditates, he awaits a possibility where the world is saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title (and all subsequent chapter titles) are based off the lyrics from "cry for judas" by the mountain goats. 
> 
> off-topic, but cry for judas is a wonderful song and if yoy haven't listened to it yet, then listen to it. it is a beautiful dedication to broken machines.

Even in the midst of danger, Stephen Strange meditates. 

In the distance, he watches Tony, Spiderman, and their newfound allies formulate a plan. He begins to hover above the ground, letting the world melt away as he taps into his abilities.

He needs to find it. He needs to find the future where everything is alright.

At first, he sees hope. He sees his colleagues holding Thanos down and momentarily matching his strength. He sees power slipping away from his gigantic hands...

...only for it to be reunited with him after one simple mistake. Whether it be Quill's grief-filled outbursts, or Spiderman missing a shot in the end and letting Thanos go free, or some other mistake, he escapes and rules the world.

After that, all Strange feels is pain, anguish, and the usual after-effects of, well, death and crumbling despair. 

He fast-forwards through the next hundred possibilities. Most of them seem completely alike, if only for a few differences. One occasion has Mantis dying first, the next one has Drax being pummeled in an instant.

He feels everything from these timelines. He remembers the injuries he suffers in all these endless worlds.

The first thousand deaths aren't so hard, but it just keeps going downhill from there. 

Thanos starts getting quick in his methods of murder. Suffocation, drowning, mass choking, impaling, or even just a simple series of kicks to the head. And in every timeline, Strange can't see any progress being made. 

He feels everything. He feels himself being thrown around, smashed into the ground, and bleeding out. He feels himself struggling for breath as if he's truly there and he's truly giving up. 

All he sees is more people dying and dying. He's forcing himself to witness countless people die, countless failed outcomes, and countless bad endings, with no idea how to stop them. 

He's getting desperate. He speeds past more timelines, more outcomes, more possibilities.

In one world, he's fighting Thanos one-on-one, while the rest of his team dead.

In another, it's he who's on the ground while everyone else attempts to defend him. 

He goes through 23 timelines, which all end with him coughing up blood before blacking out completely.

83 timelines later, which all have the end result of all of them dying by Thanos' hands at the same time.

463 possibilities where the team on Wakanda crumbles to the ground, including all of civilization.

1,096 outcomes related to all the Infinity Stones in Thanos' grasp; all of the heroes falling to their knees; billions of innocent people targeted by random chance and disappearing from the face of the Earth. 

Strange is seeing it all. He’s taking it at full speed. He's watching planets exploding, soldiers surrendering, warriors collapsing, and endless gallons of blood dripping at the hands of Thanos. Everything hits him all at once. 

He keeps searching. He keeps struggling to find a world where everything is alright, where everyone is alive and well, where Thanos is defeated once and for all. He wants everyone to be alright -- he needs everyone to be alright. He's given up too much in his life to just throw it away now.

He loses count of what timeline he's on when he thinks he's just gonna go through the same thing as the past million or so worlds. They try, they fail, they die. He speeds through it, trying to spare himself the pain of living his own death again.

However, this timeline seems...longer. He doesn’t see his time die, per se, but he doesn’t get his hopes up. He flies past the battles and the blood, but the dream won't end. He's going through weeks, months, years. And still no end. 

He sees his life flashing before his eyes. He sees himself alive and well, even years later, with...someone else. He sees images of him and this random person sitting across from each other at a restaurant, or sitting next to each other in a movie theater, or walking along the side of a lake on a beautiful summer’s day. But the images are going so fast he can’t make out his partner’s face. 

He watches these unforeseen memories shoot by him. He’s amazed by how long this timeline is. He’s almost relieved. 

While all of this flashes right in front of him, the only thing he can deduce is that he’s alive -- and Thanos was defeated. 

Eventually, he stops in the middle of a random day. He tries to make sense of whatever this is. He...he sees himself alive. Alive and wearing casual clothes. Alive, wearing casual clothes, on a lazy afternoon. 

He blinks his eyes, taking in the environment. He's lying on a mattress, perfectly healthy, without any sign of danger anytime soon. He feels someone's hand on his neck.

He sees...he sees Stark lying next to him. He sees Tony Stark lying next to him, wearing casual clothes that Strange would never expect him to wear. He’s lying next to him and...smiling?

It's...It's late winter. They're in a private room filled with different trinkets and souvenirs. They're in bed together, safe and sound. Tony is on his chest, smiling peacefully, while Strange runs his hand through his dark hair. He finds himself surprisingly enjoy it, being with him, doing absolutely nothing. 

Strange can't believe it. He can't believe that he'd ever be in a relationship with such a narcissistic and pompous man as Stark. He can’t believe he’d be so...happy with him. 

But furthermore, he can't believe they survived. They're alive. 

They beat Thanos. 

As realization settled in his core, Strange tried to recollect everything about the timeline. He shoots himself back in time, trying to recount everything that’s happened up to then. 

They need to survive Thanos' encounter on the planet -- that's the major thing. They all need to survive Thanos' attacks until they initiate a plan to stop him. He knows that already, though. What he needs to know is how they can ware off a man with four Infinity Stones already. 

He keeps going back further and further...and then he sees something. Something that shocks him more than anything else than any world he's come by.

He's stops in a moment of pain. He sees his hand, connected to his collapsed and weak body, giving Thanos the Time Stone. He sees the green glow pierce his eyes as he reaches it out in front of him. He watches Thanos inject it into his gauntlet, and then it's gone.

He's freaking out. He can't believe this. He can't believe this. Why would he willingly give him the Time Stone?

Then, Strange finally notices Tony. He's on the ground, massively injured, trying to regain his breath. He's looking at Strange with a mixed expression -- one of pain and terror. 

Suddenly, Strange hears his own voice.

"Spare his life -- and I will give you the stone." 

Tony needs to live. Tony Stark needs to live in order to defeat Thanos. 

"Don't," he hears Tony say. But for some reason, Strange didn't listen to him. 

Before he blacks out, Strange hears his voice once again.

"Tony...there was no other way."

\---

Strange doesn't like a lot of things about Stark. 

He doesn't like Stark's egotistical and holier-than-thou attitude most of the time. It gets annoying (though Strange does admit he's got a bit of an ego as well).

He also doesn't particularly care for his demand to take charge. This was a war -- a galactic war, at that. The fate of billions rested in their hands. He should focus less on wanting to be a leader and more on finding a proper solution to the problem. Granted, these flaws also show in Quill, though he's still focused on making a plan. 

There's also his stupid know-it-all attitude. Stark, a man born and raised on Earth who depends on technology in battle, couldn't possible talk back to him, the one who trained under the literal Master of the Ancient Arts, about magic. It wasn't his place to talk. At one point or another, Stark would have to learn that he didn't know everything. 

But on the other hand, there are things Strange finds greatly admirable in Stark.

For one, the way he treats Spiderman. From what Strange can see, Stark is fully invested in Spiderman's health and safety. It's obvious in the way he treats the young boy that it's less of a teacher-student relationship, and more of a father-son one. Strange can admire a man that would put one's safety before his own.

Also, while his need for leadership can become troublesome, it is satisfying to have a man completely resolute on the goal on the team. If anyone should be the leader, it should be the one completely determined on leading them to victory. 

And, he has to admit, his snark can be quite charming at times. And he's undoubtedly smart. He'd be glad to engage in a battle of wits -- a former neurosurgeon and "wizard" against a genius CEO and leader of The Avengers. It would be amazing, wouldn't it? 

But still, he can't believe he'd give up the Time Stone for this man's life. The Time Stone -- the fifth Infinity Stone -- so Tony Stark could live. 

So this man could live another day to snark at whatever comes his way. So this man could remain self-centered, arrogant, and...unyielding. Loyal. Intelligent. Protective.

Handsome.

Strange is scared of what's to come, regarding both the fate of the galaxy and whatever is going to happen between him and Tony. But somehow, it's going to work out. Tony's going to save the world, they're all going to survive, and they'll...fall in love. 

He sighs to himself, trying to calm down. He sighs again. And again. And again. And then he's hyperventilating. He's panicking, he doesn't know what to do. He continues experiencing outcome after outcome while trying to control himself.

He sees Tony dying again and again and again. He sees Tony suffering, crying, bleeding, suffocating -- all for the sake of Earth.

Strange doesn't know why, but he wants to...save Tony. He wants to help him. He wants to protect him. He doesn't want him to get hurt anymore.

He finds himself standing in-front of Tony before getting stabbed in the head. He finds himself mustering as much strength and power he has left to protect him from any kind of danger. He finds himself trying to be the man a partner should be.

He freaks out more with every timeline. He freaks out because he knows there's no way to go except giving up the Time Stone, giving up countless lives. He freaks out because he keeps seeing the same thing again and again and again. He freaks out because, no matter what he does, Tony still gets hurt in the end. 

And most of all, he freaks out because he cares about Tony. 

\---

In the real world, the group watches Strange experience outcome after outcome, death after death, without being able to comprehend what could possibly be happening to him. His body is spazzing out with no control. Tony rushes over to him in an instant. 

"Strange, you alright?" 

Strange, in the midst of the danger unfolding in all these worlds, feels Tony touch his arm. Suddenly regaining his present self, he stumbles in the air, before losing balance. Tony keeps him steady. 

"You're here, you're alright." 

He hears Tony's voice pulling him back into reality. He hears his confused yet comforting tone as he tries to get him to break out of his trance. 

Strange opens his eyes and looks down. He sees the green stone hovering under his chin, resting on his chest. His wavering hand gently grabs the stone, as if he's unsure if it's real or not. 

It's real. He's real. He's not in a timeline or a bad ending or a random outcome -- he's back in real life. 

And everything comes back.

It's in his hands. The Time Stone is in his hands. The fate of the world -- the fate of the galaxy -- is in his hands. The lives of more than a billion people is in his hands...

He looks up at Tony, and it's like he's looking up at a different man. He notices so much about him that didn't show up the first time they met. The man's dark brown eyes, his unruly yet stylized hair, his amazing facial hair...it was like looking at him with glasses for the first time. 

He's speechless at first. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to explain that he's seen various different timelines, and the only one where they succeed in defeating Thanos is the one where they fall in love.

He decides to just explain where he was for the last few moments or so. 14,000,605 timelines in total. 

"How many did we win?"

Strange can't respond. He takes a breath and looks away from Tony.

"One." 

Everyone is shocked, as expected. A plan is suddenly set into motion, while Strange tries to recover from his episode with more meditation. Real meditation this time. 

He lets the world slip away as he tries to calm down. He knows how to stop Thanos now. He knows how save everyone's lives. He just needs to make sure it goes according to plan...

"Hey."

As he looked up, Strange saw Tony sitting next to him once again. He said nothing for awhile, trying to slip back into meditation.

"You okay?"

Strange wasn't in the mood to talk, obviously, but Tony was persistent. The doctor knew he wasn't trying to be intrusive or anything; he just wanted to know if his friend was alright. 

There was an odd pain in his chest. It wasn't highly noticeable or anything, but he could feel it pounding hard. He predicted it wouldn't go away unless he actually talked to Tony about this. 

Bringing himself back to reality, Strange lowered himself onto the ground to meet Tony's level. But he can't look him in the eye for some reason. He nods briefly.

"Yes, I'm alright."

"You sure?"

Strange tips his head, still averting Tony's gaze. 

"You sound pretty calm for someone who just found out there's 14,000,604 possibilities where the world ends."

He watches Tony's mouth curl into a smirk. He must have confidence, Strange must admit, to be smiling at time like this.

"Well, I'm more focused on the one where we survive," he says. "And you should probably focus on that one too." 

He almost smiles at that remark.

"Well, maybe you should focus on making a plan. I heard Mr. Quill has some ideas," he replies, pointing to the Guardians trying to formulate something.

"Eh, he won't listen to mine," Tony brushes his statement off kindly. "But you're the one who saw us win -- maybe you'd like to help us out?"

Strange finally looks up and sees Tony's brown eyes. They're soft and comforting, more friendly than the first time he saw them. His smile is alluring, filled with charm and a bit of mischief. It sort of feels nice to see him after seeing every possible outcome he goes through...

At an instant, the pain in his chest reacts. All the visions and possibilities regarding his life flash before his eyes once again. He sees all the world where Tony either dies, suffers, or gives up completely. It feels like his heart is breaking whenever he's reminded of another potential death.

"Strange?" 

Tony sees Strange break into a sweat as he suddenly tenses up. He hears his breath waver and increase, along with how it looks like the man lost control of it. He's startled for a second, but his first instinct is to take his hand.

"Hey, Strange, calm down," he spoke quietly into the Doctor's ear. He graced the fabric of his glove, trying to settle him down.

Strange hears Tony's voice through his panic. His heartbeat quickens at his voice -- the voice he's heard cry, scream, and plead hundreds of times over -- but he tries to follow them. He feels Tony's hand, keeping him in reality, so he grabs it as hard as he can. 

Tony feels Strange's hand squeeze his, so he just keeps on holding it. He looks at him worriedly, but he promises to stay until he recovers. 

"Breathe," he states. Tony doesn't know if it's some sort of magic or panic, but he's freaking out and needs to calm down. He watches the Doctor struggle to calm down, so he tries to give as much advice as he can.

Strange follows his words. He tries to slow down his breathing. His hand reaches to feel his heartbeat, surprising him when he discovers how fast it's going. 

He tries to stop the visions. He closes his eyes, trying not to look at Tony or any of the odds that he'll die. He continues breathing while grasping onto Tony's hand as much as he can. 

No matter how many times he sees Tony getting impaled, or being pummeled into the ground, or thrown off the planet, he's still here. Those possibilities are just that -- possibilities. Which means he'll have to do all he can to make sure they don't happen. 

"Breathe," Tony repeats. "It's going to be alright. You're here, you're alive, and so am I."

Perhaps that's what ends up calming Strange down. Hearing Tony assure him that he's alive, that he's in the present, and that he's not dead.

Yet. 

Eventually, Strange's hyperventilating subsides and he's grounded in reality. He's tired, slightly dizzy, and still disorientated over everything. He slumps onto Tony's shoulder without a word. Tony's surprised, but he just makes sure the Doctor is okay.

"Calm down, you're here now," He decides to do all he can to keep him tranquil. He reaches his free hand to rub Strange's neck soothingly. 

Strange is hardly conscious now. All he can do is melt into Tony's words and the warmth of his body as he calms down. He says nothing. 

Tony looks down at the Doctor's worn out body and feels sorry for him. He continues to stroke his neck and hold his hand and just waits for him to feel better. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" He offers.

Strange stays quiet. 

Tony looks at him sympathetically, attempting to think of how to help. He's seen many of his friends in this kind of state, but for some reason, it's odd when it's the Doctor. Up until then, he's only seen him as an ungrateful wizard. Now, he's on his shoulder, too tired to even say anything else. 

He stops stroking Strange's neck and lowers his hand onto the Doctor's shoulder. 

"I understand how it is," Maybe he needs a voice. "But the best part is that it's over now." 

Strange still doesn't say anything, but he clings onto Tony. He holds onto his hand even tighter, like it's the end of the world and they're the only ones left. He holds onto him, as if wanting to cling onto the fact that they're both real, they're both alive, and they're both here. He doesn't let go because he doesn't want to accept that this is temporary.

Slowly, he separates his head from Tony's shoulder and looks up at him. Tony's eyes light up when he sees he's doing better. He even smiles a little. 

Strange opens his mouth to speak. "Your...beard."

Tony's confused at first. Strange still looks slightly disoriented, but he plays along anyway. 

"Wh-What? What about it?" He lifts his hand from the Doctor's shoulder to stroke his chin. 

"It's vacuous...unlike your head."

That's an...odd response. Tony's even more confused. An insult and a compliment rolled in one. He doesn't know if he should be offended or flattered. 

"Well, your beard, like your name, is strange," Tony smirks in response, deciding to be flattered. 

"I would laugh, but I've heard that one before," he retorts. "And that's Dr. Strange to you." 

Tony's quick to reply. "Hmm...that's kinda sophisticated, if you ask me," he remarks. "We just kinda had a bonding moment...do you mind if I call you Stephen?" 

Stephen doesn't know if he's being honest or if he's just trying to make him feel better. Nevertheless, he nods. 

"Okay, you may call me Stephen if you like," he responds. "As long as I can call you Tony in return." 

"Deal," Tony puts out his hand in front of his chest. Stephen grabs it happily and gives it a firm shake. 

He holds onto Tony's hand for longer than he needs to, falling back onto the desire to embrace him, to keep him safe and alive. It wasn't the first time he's heard that conversation, but he wished it wasn't the last. As he lets go of his hand, he sees Quill waving furiously in the distance. 

"Hey, Stark!" Quill calls out from across the area. "Wanna pitch in, or are you just gonna hang-out for the rest of the day?"

Tony responds to his impatient calls by getting off the stone and going up to form a plan. He waves to Stephen as he makes his wave over to the group. 

Stephen waves back. For the first time, he grins. He's happy. He's satisfied with his life. He's here, with Tony, making jokes together. For a moment, he thinks they could work. 

But after that moment, he's lost in thought, and that one idea gets lost in a sea of millions. 

Stephen resumes his meditation. He tries to keep himself steady, but he can't help but wonder why he's so...disturbed by all those outcomes. 

He's died dozens of times before. He's seen death fly before his eyes without anyway of stopping it. He's been scarred before -- mentally and physically. So why is now any different?

The thing is, he knows the answer, but he doesn't want to admit it out loud. But he knows he'll have to face it sooner or later, so reluctantly, he confesses it to himself. 

The truth is...he's scared. For Tony. He's scared about Tony dying. He's scared about Tony losing everything in his life as he watches it collapse into pieces. He's scared about making Tony suffer so he can stop Thanos.

He's scared that he's falling in love with Tony. 

A question appears in his head: how does he know he's falling in love with Tony? Who's to say he's just holding onto the idea of their relationship because it appears in a world where Thanos is defeated? That he's using their relationship as confirmation that the world won't end after all? 

Stephen replays all his memories of Tony in his head. He sees Tony snarking, snapping back, and interrupting him in the past. He feels just as annoyed by the memories as he did when he lived them.

But in a way, he understands him. Tony is still human, he's probably scared of Thanos as much as he is. He's scared of his world ending as well -- of losing everything he's worked up to in his life. Tony wants to save the world just as much as he does. Who knows, maybe Tony was panicking even when he was comforting him. 

Stephen adds another thing on his list of what he admires about Tony: he knows how to comfort someone even when it seems his world is tumbling down. 

Maybe he is falling in love with Tony. And even if he doesn't know how to love him yet, he'll let it be. 

He opens an eye to see Tony and Quill arguing over something. Well, it's mostly Quill arguing, while Tony's listening to his arguments with his usual arrogance. Stephen does admit, he looks slightly more charming with his arms crossed. Their figures disappear as he closes his eye once again and continues to meditate. 

In the midst of his session, he sighs to himself. Not in sadness this time; in acceptance. He can't prevent the past from happening; all he can do is await the future and accept the outcome. 

Maybe he's making a mistake. Maybe he shouldn't trust Tony or his stupidly beautiful grin. Maybe he shouldn't trust his heart this time. But "maybes" don't exist anymore.

They're in the endgame now. 

As he takes a deep breath, Strange opens his eye again to take a look at Tony. He smiles again. 

\---

Later, as he's lying on the ground in pain, he wonders if it's worth it. If he's worth it. 

He watches his world collapse onto itself as everyone shifts to dust. He hears Mantis', Drax's, and Peter's final words before they disappear off the face of the world, as if they never existed in the first place. Guilt stings Strange's heart. He wishes he could turn back time, but he can’t.

The Time Stone was gone, and it was all his fault. 

He sees Spiderman fall into Tony's arms. He hears him holding back tears, begging to stay alive as his body disappears. 

Tony looks down at his empty, dust-ridden hands, utterly mystified for a second. He's speechless, motionless, as if he's died as well. 

Strange realizes what's happening to them will soon happen to him next. Then, it will just be Tony left. Right before it happens, the question echos in his mind: is he worth it? 

Then, he remembers everything. 

He remembers the aftermath of that timeline. That single successful timeline.

He remembers how lucky he felt with Tony resting on his chest, relaxed, without a care in the world. His soft, peaceful smile. His bored yet amused position on his -- their -- bed. Their life together, prosperous and satisfied with each other. 

He remembers holding Tony in his arms and messing with his hair. He wanted to hold him for hours and hours on end, wanting to be with him for as long as he lives.

He remembers melting into him in the present, in the middle of his panic. The way Tony calmed him down, even though he knew fully well there was a lot to panic about. 

He remembers everything that he admires about this man. His loyalty towards his friends, his protectiveness, his determination. 

He remembers his hands, his shoulder, his hair. He remembers holding him and wanting to be held. He remembers everything that happened in the future and the present. 

His body begins to disappear when Tony turns to him. Tony's even more scared now -- he's losing someone else close to him, right before his eyes.

Strange can only say one thing.

"Tony, there was no other way."

He's heard that sentence twice now. It sounds exactly the same as the first time -- just as sad, and just as desperate. He finally fulfilled the vision. All he can do is hope that they win in the end. 

Tony can't move, and it pierces Strange’s heart. He wants to beg for forgiveness. He wants to assure him that everything will be alright in the end, that he believes in him.

His last image in his mind is Tony's worried expression before he's gone. 

As he disintegrates, he finds an answer to his question.

Tony is completely, undoubtedly worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've always wanted to write something for a huge fandom. something that explores the complexity of characters, a scenario, and their relationships.
> 
> after seeing infinity war, i fell in love with iron man, dr. strange, and ironstrange all at once. so, i decided why not take a crack at expanding my horizons and write a ship fic? 
> 
> i've always wanted to write a special fic based on a mountain goats song, and "cry for judas" is my favorite song from my favorite album (transcendental youth), and many of the lyrics really fit the characters ("sometimes you try to freeze time 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels"). 
> 
> \--- MadokaFan1234


	2. i'm still here, but all is lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everyone around Tony begins to crumble into dust, so does his hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "So with sadness in my heart  
> I feel the best thing I could do  
> Is end it all  
> And leave forever  
> What's done is done -- it feels so bad  
> What once was happy now is sad  
> I'll never love again  
> My world is ending..."  
> \-- Komm Süsser Tod

"i wish that i could turn back time, cause now the guilt is all mine"

\---

As the world falls, you're alone. You're scared. You don't know what to do. It is as if your brain has been set in a temporary lockdown and your limbs have been frozen in place. You try and try to act, or scream, or do anything. But you can't. All you can do is panic.

And when you start to panic, your world begins to fall apart.

Tony doesn't know if he can hold on anymore.

He contemplates the dust on his hands, unsure for a second if it's genuinely all that's left of him. Doubt tries to seal onto his heart. It tries to tell him that no, he's still alive, and all this is a bad dream.

He'd wake up in a sweat, eyes bloodshot, his throat begging for water, and recollect everything he'd seen from inside his mind. He'd survey his bedroom, still and undamaged, and hope that it was all just a nightmare. The phone would ring, signaling that it was about time to get up anyways, and he would make a mental note to check up on Peter in the afternoon.

He blinks, and in the split-second his eyes were closed, he pleads for it to be a dream. That he really was just being tortured by his brain and no one was really hurt anymore.

But when his tears force his eyes to open again, he sees himself back on Titan, resembling a barren wasteland as of lately. The dust covers his palm momentarily, before beginning to follow its once physical body into nothingness.

He presses his hand against his chest, attempting to cradle the disappearing remains of what was once a boy he almost considered his...student. 

A kid. He just lost a kid. 

All that could come now was dread. 

How would his aunt respond to her son abruptly dissipating into thin dust on his watch? How would his school react? How could New York City be protected by a friendly neighborhood Spiderman if there was no Spiderman? 

The truth is...he's scared. He's scared to death. He's been scared for a while now. He just never said it aloud. 

\---

He's been worried since they crashed on Titan. He just does a good job at concealing it.

It was less about how he could've just died in some massive crash landing, or how some gigantic purple dude could kill him with just a snap of his fingers, or how he was just ambushed by a random trio who managed to find them somehow. 

It was more about the people around him. 

Tony thinks about himself. He thinks about himself a lot. About his company, about his products, about how cool he is. He loves stroking his ego most of the time, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about anyone else. 

He was freaking out just as much as Stephen was when they were together. A million thoughts about Peter dying or getting severely injured were already in his mind, but when the Doctor began to spaz out, he had started to worry about him for the first time. 

And it only increased when he started to panic.

He wasn't sure what sparked the panic. It was most likely the fact that there was only a 1 out of 14,000,605 chance that humanity would be spared, but it also could've been that he didn't know how to control his panic. It was the first time Tony had seen him actually alarmed about something, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

"Breathe," It was the only thing he could say. He felt him grasp his hand as if it was the only thing keeping him from falling into oblivion. He saw him sweat and hyperventilate and shake. He didn't know what to do, but he would've held his hand for an eternity if it kept him in their world.

He was their only hope, Tony thought. He saw their victory, and now he had to lead them to it. Without him, they were lost. They wouldn't have a clue. He needed him to come back to Earth -- it was for the sake of the galaxy.

But now, he has to wonder: was it really just for the world? Or was it because...he genuinely wanted him to get better.

He had been in the same role before. Panicky, vulnerable, and scared. Guess it was just human nature that he wanted to help him.

"Breathe," he says again. "You're here, you're alive, and so am I."

He knows how it feels. Desperate, collapsed, and like the world was going to end. Well, in this case, it was possible. But still, Tony understood what he was going through. Dying 14,000,604 times probably didn't do well for one's mental state.

But he was there, with him, not on the ground bleeding out or crying in agony. He was there, breathing and alive. 

Tony didn't know why, but he wanted Stephen to get better. He wanted him to know that there is a world where they succeed, and he must've seen it, even if it was buried in the worst possible scenarios. 

Something resonated in Tony when he watched him struggle to calm down.

When he collapses on his shoulder, it was there. When he's comforting him and telling him it's over, it was there. When they're making fun with each other and calling each other by their first names, it was there.

Tony didn't know what to think of it before, but he thinks he finally knows what it was.

Hope. 

\--- 

The only word that could accurately describe the situation now was horror. Throughout the whole situation, one word consistently resonates in his head is  
...why?

Why did this have to happen? Why now?

Tony looks up from his hands and is met with the darkening Titan sky. From what he knows, only three of them remain: Nebula, Stephen, and himself. For a moment, Tony hopes he'll be the next one to go. He's the only one without any powers, anyway. Nebula could travel back to Earth with Stephen and they could meet up with the rest of the Avengers...

He doesn't have time to vocalize the plan when he sees another figure turning into dust in the corner of his eye. Chills run down his spine as he watches Stephen disappear from the face of the Earth.

All he can do is watch him evaporate with horror in his eyes. Unlike Peter, Stephen doesn't call out to him or yell or cry. He's quiet, still, awaiting his death. Tony wants to run after him, but he's completely frozen. 

Realization ran through Tony's core. Stephen...sacrificed himself. If he hadn't given that damn stone to save his life, he could've saved himself. But for whatever reason, he gave the stone to Thanos, and now he was disappearing right before his eyes.

The memory replayed in Tony's head, filling his core with a mix of anger and sadness. He watched breathlessly as Stephen died right in front of him. And he couldn't do anything to save him. 

For some reason, Stephen looks ashamed of himself, like he knew this was coming, but he didn't want to say so. In his final moments, he can only look at Tony as he turns to dust.

"Tony....it was the only way."

And like that, Stephen Strange was gone. 

"Stephen..." 

Tony watches as the dust falls to the ground. He can't breathe, he can't move, and he could hardly think. He would've been full-blown catatonic if it wasn't for the thought that rendered his brain still active.

He wanted to go next. 

Clasping his hands, he lowerd his head, waiting to dissolve into dust. He awaits his death with open arms because, at this point, it's practically inevitable. He shouldn't worry about Peter and Stephen now -- he'll see them again soon. He has to.

He closes his eyes and counts the seconds until he disappears. 

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

He's still there.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

He's still breathing.

Tick.

Tick.

Tock.

He's still alive. He's the only one left. 

Opening his eyes, he looks around the area. His body feels paralyzed, but his mind is determined to find something. His mind is searching across the planet, around the rocks and dust, even along the blurry sky. He needs to come up with something, some magnificent plan that will kick things into motion and finally give Thanos what he deserves. 

He...He doesn't know what to do. 

He's lost everything at this point. Here he was, stuck on some random planet, without Peter or Stephen or anyone else. It was like his worst dream had came true. He feels himself begin to cry and he doesn't stop himself. 

Nebula kneels down next to him. She's shaking with similar distress, but she can muster enough control to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. No words come out of her mouth, but she does the best she can to tell him that no, they're not dead forever.

They will find a way to stop Thanos. They will find a way to save the world. 

Tony stays motionless, though he doesn't know why. He's not the only one who's lost someone. Nebula lost her sister, May lost her son, and Wong lost his friend. Why was he the one crying?

And of all things, why was he crying over Stephen? 

That's the still only word he can think of: why. Why couldn't he think of anything? Why was he paralyzed all of a sudden? Why was he the one crying when he wasn't the only one who lost something?

Why did Stephen give Thanos the Time Stone? Why did he have to save his life?

He doesn't know what to do now. He's lost. It's like a gigantic weight is pulling him down, and no matter what, he can't break free. But, even through the midst of these questions, he finds an answer to his questions.

Stephen knows what to do. He wouldn't be the "Master of the Mystic Arts" if he didn't know what he was doing. The man fought Thanos in 14,000,605 universes just to find the one where they survive.

Nebula helps Tony up to his feet, though he's still lost in thought. This is all apart of his plan, isn't it? He had to survive to save the world, and Stephen knew that. He sacrificed his life, and the lives of billions, just so he would live. 

Tony only realizes it when he's aboard the ship, but he trusts Stephen. He believes that he's right about this future. That whatever happens next will all be according to plan. 

He's quiet on the ride back. From the looks of it, Nebula doesn't want to talk either. Now it was just them, in space, for who knows how many hours until they're back on Earth. Which left plenty of time for Tony to reflect about what just happened.

He couldn't say he wasn't scared. But he also couldn't say he was hopeless anymore. And at this time, he couldn't focus on Stephen right now. 

For all he knows, he could still be somewhere, out there. He's a magic man, he could conjure a spell or whatever to create a physical form, right? And even if he's gone for good...maybe he'll find Peter. 

But he can't keep his hopes up. "Maybes" don't exist anymore.

Once again, they were in the endgame now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the original title of this fic was "every day, i imagine a future where i can be with you" referencing the ending song to doki doki literature club. i chose that lyric because when i was writing it, with its original intention as a oneshot, i felt that it fit the scenario of strange trying to find a future where everything's okay, and eventually falling in love with tony because of it.
> 
> the original title of this fic was "i wish that i could turn back time" which referenced the ending song of end of evangelion, komm süsser tod, which is also what the above lyrics reference. i chose this song because, after listening to it, i started connecting it to the movie. two lyrics in particular stood out -- "i wish that i could turn back time, cause now the guilt is all mine" considering strange's situation by the end of the film, and "i'll never love again, my world is ending" considering tony's situation by the end of the film.
> 
> the reason i shifted towards the mountain goats was for consistency. while i really liked the symbolism of the lyrics and the connections they had with the story, i felt like they were non-sequiters in of themselves since they came from two different pieces of work. if i named the fic after one lyric of one song, with every chapter being named after another lyric, however, then it's recognizable and thematic.
> 
> i changed this title's chapter to "i'm still here, but all is lost" which is self-explanatory, but i kept the small lyric blurb in the beginning since komm süsser tod is a lovely and truly fitting song.
> 
> you may be wondering why i'm rambling on about stuff like this. well, i have a surprise: this is going to be a fourshot. i'm currently working on two more chapters:
> 
> \-- "hallucinate a shady grove" (originally "your silver garden")  
> \-- "still won't know how" (originally "i won't forget the promise we made")
> 
> but i don't know when they'll be finished and posted. i don't like creating deadlines, and i have other personal projects in other fandoms. but i do know that i will have these out at one point, and i hope that they'll be worth the wait.
> 
> \-- MadokaFan1234

**Author's Note:**

> "i wish that i could turn back time, cause now the guilt is all mine."


End file.
